Monday, 28 February 2005

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  >>>...to live
  Allured by the warmth of love
  we will chase the sun to the edge of the earth
  No distance is too far to the strongest spirits,
  
  But going the length alone can be so cold
  It has been so long, hope is only a speck in the sky
  
  Looking up,
  Always dreaming of what she would look and sound.
  And what she would say when I feel down
  And Sound of her laughter when I make funnies
  
  So it’s been over 5 years since she took form
  And no matter where I look, hope is only a speck in the sky.
  My blood is getting used to this cold self-pity.
  
  Blinded by my own soma, the steepest cliffs don't seem to matter,
  My feet only follow the feeling to the edge,
  And just before I gave up, we found each other by chance.
  
  
  
  Cornbread,
  Unicorn,
  You finally took form.
  Yeah, Look into my eyes and saw my core
  And with these words:
  ”I wish you could see what I see.”
  You ignite me.
  
  Honestly
  I must say,
  I didn’t know what you saw in me
  Maybe someday
  
  Hopefully,
  It won’t be too late.
  Because your smile
  Makes my leg shake
  Your laughter
  Melts my heart
  
  The possibilities look endless from here
  But I can’t help thinking
  These things only happens in the movies
  
  Here I am
  For you,
  No games
  There never was anyhow.
  So where do we go from here now?
  
  Yeah, you look in my eyes and said to me
  ”I’m falling for you”
  And I froze.
  
  Well, I was falling for you too!
  I just did not know what to say,
  Because I am still thawing out baby.
  
  Quick!
  What would Humphrey Bogart do?
  No, that's unoriginal.
  Unexpectedly, I am paralyzed by this,
  Even though it played in my head so many times.
  
  I’m sorry
  I don’t know how to love you,
  I am barely learning to love myself.
  
  Incredible,
  But Inevitable,

  You can call It fate,

   But it doesn’t matter.
  Your form fades,
  In this, I had no Choice.
  
  Not knowing it,
  as silly as it sounds,
  I was chasing a Jaded sunset
  
  Never mind the movies,
  In this Brave New World,
  How do we know the real difference
  Between poison and truth?
  I think the innocence is lost forever.
  
  This tragedy is an emotional hijacking.
  Never knowing how or when to let go,
  My pillow covers taste salty in the morning.
  Where have my sheep gone?
  The less I sleep, the more I died inside.
  
  Please tell me
  Where do I start from here?
  To reframe my world without her
  With these new eyes
  
  And Like that I know
  Whenever I feel cold and scared
  She is never really far away
  As long as I remember that vision of a sunset.
  
  Like the sun above
  And the tides that rolls in
  Chance,
  Choice,
  Fate,
  My destiny I embrace.
  
  Metamorphosis incomplete.
  I don’t want to be hungry anymore
  Because hungry hearts do desperate things…>>>
  

  
   ****************************************************
  

  <<<By the way, the end of the poem loops back to the beginning>>>
  

  The creation of this poem is much like making a sword.  I had to strike it when my emotions were still hot.  Fold it and rethink the words at just the right temperature, and cool it to test if I’m going the right direction with the words.  The words were in my vocabulary.  The emotion was there.  It was really difficult to capture my thoughts and feelings exactly because the furnace is still burning and I am still trying hard to cope with my grief. 

   
  When I was Dating Denise, everything seemed perfect like in the movies.  There were so many times when I wanted to kiss her.  I knew that when we first kiss, everything had to be just right timing, place, mood, everything perfect just for her, because I knew that she was worth the wait.  And when it happens, I don’t want her to have any negative thoughts or doubts about her ex.  So I waited  and waited for the perfect moments to come up, not knowing that we were in them: the first time we hugged under Orion’s belt, that time she told me she was falling for me, heck every time we popped a mint, and especially every time I made her laugh. 

  I was stuck in the moment of doubting its authenticity because it felt like some movie.  I needed too much to have her know with out saying : “I am here right now kissing you!  And I’ll always protect you.”  It was quite stupid of me to keep hesitating and thinking that all this is too good to be true.   Eventually it all hurt her a lot, because it all looked like I was playing games.  I am wise enough to know that she is too good to be playing games with.  She's better than that.  (not that I would know how to play games  anyhow.)

  I fell for her waaaay before she told me that she was falling for me.  This happened the day I went to help son and his friends do some gardening in the dusk.  After a couple of hours of hard work, I got a call from a very enthused Denise.  She was so excited to tell me the story of what she did that rainy day.  So she told me of the great lengths she went through to help a family whose car had broken down.  She stopped to get a phone number for a tow truck  and then proceeded to track down the family who were eating at Dennys to get out of the rain on their vacation.  Of the 100 cars that drove by the broken car only 1 special person stopped and helped.  And I the privilege to dating her!

  A few weeks after she decided we should be friends, I had this dream that I was dying.  It was pretty vivid.  Every detail from the dust in the room of the old home I grew up in, to the roughness of my dad’s hands was there.  I absolutely knew that this is the end, and when it came, the very last thought that passed my mind was this “It least I had the chance of meeting someone like Denise.”  And like that, I let go.   When I woke up, I felt so complete even though I was as alone as a bachelor could be.  I would have never felt this way without having had one of the most beautiful relationships in my life. 

  Even though Denise and I are not talking, I am glad that I let her know that I feel our time together was not spent in vain because she had awoken something within me that I never saw: hope of freedom from my solitude.  I never believed her when she wishes she could see what she sees in me.  But now, I am beginning to imagine  what she must have seen and make that vision come true.  This ain’t the movies.  It me!  Through her I have the strength and vision to become a better person, the man I want to be: Always growing.  Although the girl of my dreams has physically dissolved, I know that this is how she will live on and as long as I believe in and live this vision, she would never be too far away. 

  I know this sounds crazy like I’m describing a death rather than a break up, but writing poems and sharing them is my way of coping with pain.  After 9/11, I wrote phoenix arrow and discovered that this method really works!  To me, poetry channels my creative energy (that can sometimes be destructive at times like these) and helps infuses them with rational thought.  I won’t make the mistake of hesitating from self-doubt.  Someday, I hope I'll find someone who I can take a chance with grow with.  Like all my romantic encounters, I learned a lot from this relationship.  But the most important lesson I learned form this one is this:

  In order to truly love someone, you must truly love yourself first.  The depth of such love is limited by OURs.

  I heard this one many times before, but did not realize it until now.
  
  *end of wussy-factor level 60* hehehe

  Here’s to new endings (aka beginnings):
  A new chapter of my journey:

  http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=phoenixar

  Currently Playing Breakaway By Kelly Clarkson see related

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